To answer your question

My mom, not too long ago, asked me what I would do if I were to ever get taken prisoner while on the mission. Of course, what seemed like an easy answer("just do what the spirit tells me") wasn't so easy for me to come to. The tomboy inside of me wanted to shout that I would fight back but I simply responded with a unenthusiastic "I don't know." 

Although I am weeks late to answer this question, I've finally found my answer, however, my answer is simply another question. "Why should I fear death?" 

With the knowledge I have and an ever growing testimony, I have no reason to fear such thing. 

Luke 9:24 :) 

It's Funny the way life is...

It's funny the way life is. Yesterday I had a beautiful gift given to me by a dear friend. She isn't an active member, and I have never been one to force her to church. I always believed that when the time was right she would be in church for the right reasons. But I didn't realize that I would be the one to tell her of that time.

 I tried so hard to just be that supportive friend that never got mad if she didn't go to church. Be the friend who would invite but never pressured. I tried to be the friend that lead by example in hopes that she would follow. But when I started texting her telling her it was time to get her back to church, faith took hold of me. 

It's funny the way life is. 

It was right before sacrament, I looked up as we sang a verse of the hymn, and there she was. I'm sure the color (not that my face has much color...thanks Utah winter!) quickly left my face. Tears filled my eyes as she took her seat next to me. I wrapped my arm around her, told her how happy I was to see her, then gave a quick prayer of thanks. It's funny the way life is. 

A few hours after church had finished we began texting. I, again, expressed how happy I was to see her walk through those doors. She teased me for crying, but then became serious when it came to the feelings she had pass through her. She wanted to change her life. She could feel this change within her grasp, but is too afraid to extend her arm and grab it. This was when I realized why I had been through the trials I had faced the past couple of years of my life. It was this moment, that I was being prepared for. It's funny the way life is. 

As we talked, she began to ask how to change. She wasn't sure where to start or what to do. I began explaining my story. That for so long in life I tried to do it on my own. I tried to figure it all out and found that I was barely getting by. I tried to handle temptations, fears, and heart break on my own, but I was never ever enough. I couldn't do it all. I wasn't a superhero with unlimited strength or the ability to withstand and fight all evil. I was/am human. I make mistakes. I fall. I break. It wasn't until I began to tell my story that the thought came to me, "How can The Man who gave up his Only Begotten son, ever let me down?" He allowed His son to die for me. No, not just die, but be tortured and tormented beyond my comprehension; how could He ever give up on me when He allowed all that to happen. I just...never gave Him enough credit. I never...I never give Him the opportunity to hold me and quiet my fears. I never gave Him the opportunity to step in and take over. I was too busy trying to hide my problems, my fears and my worries from the rest of the world that I was also hiding them from my loving Father in Heaven. It's funny the way life is. 

I can't tell you how this story is going to end. Her journey has just begun. But, the future is bright and although life is still hard and will continue to get harder, my faith is deepening and my love for Him who gave all, is expanding. It's funny the way life is. 

Tonight

I lay here wide awake listening to my best friends snore. The night has been one of emotion and heartache but also a little healing. In one night, my eyes have been opened to much more than I can put into words. 

As of late, I have been filled with this unwavering amount of faith. I no longer questions things in my life, it is as if I know for sure who the Maker and Author are of my life. I am not always quick to remember Him or thank him for all He has given me, but tonight, tonight I know that He is and has been watching over me. Tonight I know that He has been watching over my friends. Tonight I know that my future rests solely in His hands, for there it is safe, and there it will continue to remain. Tonight, I understand the love He has for all His children, whether you believe in him or call Him by a different name. Tonight, I can feel His spirit engulf me as I pray. Tonight, I know that all will be well, and true happiness can only be found through Him. Tonight, tonight, I am thankful for nights like tonight. 

Conversion

Being a member of the Church of Latter-day Saints and living in Utah, some may think it is easy to stay along what they call the "straight and narrow". However, surprisingly, it leaves plenty of room to be content with where you are in life and what you are doing with life. For a long time I believed I was on the escalator to Heaven. I believed that life had given me such a bad hand that I should simply be exalted because I somehow found a way to make it through those rough patches and keep on living. I was at a standstill, foolishly believing that I was moving forward. I sat, motionless, and watched those around me move on with life; some got married and moved away, others were having kids, some were starting college, some were serving missions, others returning home from their missions and others had left this life to be reunited by family on the other side. And yet there I was, numb and paralyzed.
I know now what I failed to realize then, the people passing me by worked every day for what they had. They had no days off. The past few YEARS of my life had been my days off. I wasn't willing to work and live for what I believed. I didn't understand that absolutely nothing in this life worth having was going to come for free. It wasn't that I didn't have a job or sat at home all day and did absolutely nothing. It was that I wasn't living my life with a purpose. I was going through the motions of each day, but I was expecting to get somewhere. I simply didn't understand how the smallest of things (praying, reading scriptures, serving, going to all church meetings) would create the biggest changes in my life. The people passing me by worked everyday for those things. They made time for those things. Which is something that I failed to do.  
As I began my journey back, I realized just how content I had become in being lazy with the things that meant the most to me. Simple things like saying thank you to a person who had served me became hard for me to do. I had become bitter and lonely and wasn't ready to accept the fact that my laziness had gotten me there. Temptations became harder. I didn't have the strength to fight most of them, so, for the most part I gave in and became reliant on the fact that I wasn't worthy to go to church or even worse, pray. But as days past, and as I continued to strive to work on me, I soon realized my strength to fight temptation began to grow. I had a different outlook on life. Throughout the day my thoughts would no longer wonder to wants and wishes, but would find their way back to the Savior and his sacrifice for me. I began to crave goodness. I was beginning to understand the Saviors love for me.
 This "work" soon became something I enjoyed and looked forward to. I made friends who were in this "work" with me. They pushed me in ways that I cannot even begin to put into words, but most importantly they loved and encouraged me to be better and do better without even realizing it. For the past few months we have joined forces to come together and rejoice in this "work." Our own personal conversion cast light on others, and has helped them find their way back to our Savior as well. We aren't perfect, nor do we pretend to be, we know that each of us has flaws, but just as our Savior does, we look at them and work to make them strengths.
I feel as though I am a pioneer. I see the temptations, I am aware of the hardships to come, but my faith will be my rock. I know what I am working towards, I know my past and I also know what my future can hold. One of the people I have been blessed to meet in this journey put it perfectly when he said, "I have fallen in love with this gospel, and nothing will ever change or come before it."

2 questions

I have a thing for doctors, but it isn't a good thing. In fact, I don't really like doctors. I don't feel the need to go to a doctor unless I am bleeding out of my eyes (it hasn't happened, don't worry)or am being forced or taken by other people (happens a lot, not a big fan of it). However, I recently went to the doctor to get a few things checked out (my mom made me go). While there he asked me 2 question that took me by surprise.

Now, this had been the first time I have met or had ever been seen by this doctor so I was a little on edge. The nurses came and went after asking all the questions they had about my family health history and what not. Since I was able to answer less than half of the questions I realized it is about time to learn more about my family's health. The moment of truth came a few minutes later. As the doctor walked in I held my breath. At the door with a look of disgust he stopped abruptly, took a quick short breath and asked "Did you fart?"  I couldn't respond...the look of horror and complete embarrassment, I am sure, covered my face. I was so nervous I couldn't remember if I had or hadn't! I manged to shake my head "no" and to that the doctor began to laugh, a laughter I will soon not forget.

The second question was the question that really stuck with me and helped me realize just how happy I am when I serve others. The question was simple, "A million dollars, what would you do with it?" Since I was still traumatized from the first question, I wasn't sure how to answer this question either. But now, I think I know how I would answer it. Sure, getting out of debt, paying everything off for my family and possibly taking them on vacation are serious things that I would love to do with that kind of money, but what would truly make me happy would be to give it to people in different, secret ways. Paying for someone's gas, paying for another's groceries, finding a way to pay someone's rent, electricity and gas bills, are just some of the examples I could think of off the top of my head. Things that are usually a must for the life we live in today. Things that are maliciously nagging at us until we pay them off. Those are the things I want people to be free of. I've come to realize that I am truly happiest when I serve others. I sit and cry as I watch people who are truly grateful for a kind act done to them (like watching undercover boss or some of the youtube vidoes floating on facebook) The joy and gratitude that they show cannot be matched. It fills your soul with so much love and warmth that you want to repeat the act that you just witnessed.

The best part of this random act of kindness is that these people have no idea who has done it or why. They have no one they feel they need to repay, they will simply feel as though someone cares for them. Because they won't have anyone to repay, they may just reciprocate the action to someone else. They may reach out and help someone else who may be in need. Can you imagine a world where everyone just took care of each other? I know it seems far fetched with some of the things that are happening right now, but what if that is how we begin to teach our kids. What if we could change the world by teaching our kids to do these acts of kindness? Allow them to see that putting away our own desires and needs to go out and serve someone else can help them learn more about themselves than any other thing could. Call me naive, but I believe it is possible. I may not have kids and I may not be married (or even remotely close to that happening haha) but I do plan, when the time comes, to teach this to someone of this happiness that comes from serving others. Not for the glory of it all, but for those simple tears of gratitude that appear in that person's eyes.

The unexpected

I absolutely love working with kids. Some of the things that come from these young minds is so exceptional, I am astounded sometimes. But, there are, however, those times where all I can do is laugh and walk away. One of those moments happened today.
Allow me to set the scene. One of the kids had messed up a project we were creating (finger painting, kind of hard to mess up) and began to cry. Another student attempted to console her.

Steven: "It's ok Becky...Everyone makes mistakes."

Sharnay: "Nu uh! Not Beyonce!" *walks away proudly, struttin her stuff*

Bless her heart.


Note: all names have been changed for their protection.

Life Lesson #1

I plan to write about things I learn as I get older or even more simple, things I observe. This may be the only life lesson I have, there may be more to come, but I figure I might as well write them down so I have something to reflect on as years pass. 

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I do realize that, that may seem crazy to some.  The idea that such horrific things that this world is capable of, happen for a reason may blow some people’s minds. But what else is there to believe? I would rather have hope in something good than no hope at all. I’ll be honest and say I don’t know the reasons things happen, nor do I believe that I will ever completely understand why they happen but I do know that good can come from every situation we are placed in. That good may manifest itself within minutes of the tragedy or it may happen years later, but the good, nonetheless will come. While talking with a friend today, I realized just how much each of my trials and hardships had changed me and molded me into the person I am today. I can’t imagine being where I am without the trials I have had, and I do believe that I went through those trials in order to help someone else.  I have met so many people in life, some were friends, some were strangers; but they were each in a specific situation that I had also found myself in not too long ago. They were feeling some of the same things I felt, saw some of the things I saw, and were fighting some of the same battles I fought. It brought so much comfort to ME to be able to say “I've been there, I know how it feels” and mean it wholeheartedly. Maybe the comfort didn't come to them, I dunno, I can’t speak for them. But to believe that I went through that particular hard time so that I may help others get through a similar hard time brought me such comfort.  So maybe that is the reason things happen to people. It’s not so much of the whole woe is me, but it is the opportunity to go out and serve someone else with the wisdom and knowledge you gained while going through that hardship in life. With that said, on particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good, but also that there is someone out there that I am fighting that specific battle for. And it is for them that I will triumph.